IPHONE- Homie or chump?
Put your hands up if you were a victim of the Iphone alarm clock bug last week-cus I was! Last Monday morning I unwittingly lay on in bed for an extra hour, blissfully unaware that my iphone which has now become a trusty cyborg extension of my body was about to desert me. When I awoke at 8:45 as opposed to the planned 7:45 I was then destined to a haze of confusion which cumulated in me driving to work, whilst brushing my teeth, drinking my coffee and all the time not realising I was still in my y-fronts (Ok the y-fronts is an exaggeration but the rest is pretty accurate).
When I eventually got to the office, I frantically dived to my desk. I noticed everyone else was on time, so the confusion was at an all time high. Why had I suffered this mini millennium bug whilst the rest of the world remain unscathed. Then it began to emerge, first a few web designers came in nervously, then Tom from Marketing and then it hit me it was all those who had put their trust in Apple. Finally having the trendiest phone in the office had back fired. My suspicions were confirmed with the result of a quick Google and as I heard a little I phone related chit chat around the office I knew Tea was not going to be fun. When I reached the Canteen the phrase “lambs to the slaughter” was very much instilled in my mind.
No sooner had I marched through the door but I was joined by several other iphone users. I knew that divided they would easily conquer us so decided that safety was in numbers and so I drew the crowd together. Valliant we stood as the sony erricsons, nokias and Samsungs circled us much like a firing squad waiting to take a pop. Like wild dogs they picked off the weakest one and before I knew it, he was jokingly recounting why he was late. The game was up the tables had turned. They say every dog has his day, and so must every phone. The insults were hurled as relentlessly as machine gun fire as the ‘dumb’ phones exacted the penalty for cheap shot about lack of apps, every put down about lack of touch screen and every crappy insult about capacity. In scene similar to any great battle scene the crowd scattered and only the strongest survived using only their wits and claims such as “its only a little bug” to grasp our way out of this. The sad truth was they were right, I was fed up saying things like “its only a little bug...”, this time it hurt. Returning to my desk from tea I looked down at my I phone 3gs much like I imagine a father does when bailing out his son on drunken disorderly charges-let down, disappointed and pissed off. This extension of myself that i had such high hope for that I had bigged up to my friends about how useful and bragged to anyone who would listen about all the cool apps was nothing more than a failure. In poke they have hand ACE + KING and some refer to it as the Anna Kournikova hand, it looks good but never wins. My iphone was just this, it looked fantastic but it just fucked up a bit too much for my liking and on this occasion it was making me look bad. For days I didn’t look at the phone, breaking long silences just for simple exchange to check messages or emails and in one final insult I even started using my alarm clock again, the truth was this little touch sensitive fella that I loved- I just couldn’t trust and I’d be dammed I was going to let him let me down again. So we drifted apart. I thought about taking my SIM back but knew it would be too hard on both of us so let him hold on to it whilst I secretly searched the web for new contracts and alternative phones. I was all but done with him until Monday of this week when I recently bumped into an old girlfriend.
I was in a bar and she approached wondering how I was keeping and begun to recount tales of the old days. Frantically I begun trying to remember but for the life of me could not remember her name or many of the stories she was on about. Then it hit me and so between a few trips to the bar I was able to refresh myself with her Facebook and use the SMS conversation format to revise our short lived romance. Before I knew it was rhyming off people, places and memories that I would never have had clue about without. My bacon had officially been saved and although a gentleman like myself never tells-the night proved to be very fruitful ;). I awoke the next day wither beside although I knew this relationship would last approx the same length of time as pint of milk I was happy. I turned around from her to the nightstand just to catch my old friend glinting in the sunlight. He might not be perfect but he had my back. And until they make a wingman app for “dumb” phones, I’ve got his!
